Local church ~ an assembled group of Christians, collectively committed to the gospel and one another’s discipleship.
Church hurt
Any unrepentant sin that is minimized, normalized, or promoted by a church culture and its leadership.
Glimpses of church hurt
From counseling and Scripture
Leaders
| Sin | Description | Scripture |
|---|---|---|
| Selfish Exploitation | Using position for personal gain, comfort, or control rather than sacrificial care | Ezekiel 34:2–3, 8 |
| Neglect of the Weak, Sick, and Injured | Failing to pursue, strengthen, and bind up those who are suffering | Ezekiel 34:4a |
| Ruling with Harshness and Force | Leading through intimidation, fear, or control rather than gentleness and humility | Ezekiel 34:4b |
| Abandoning and Scattering the Flock | Withdrawing presence, responsibility, or care; leaving people spiritually vulnerable and alone | Ezekiel 34:5–6 |
Members
| Sin | Description | Scripture |
|---|---|---|
| Self-righteous and Manipulative Judgment | Showing favoritism, making premature judgments, or leveraging relationships to control outcomes | James 2:3–4 |
| Withholding Goods and Neglecting Needs | Seeing needs but remaining distant, passive, or indifferent (“closing your heart”) | 1 John 3:17–18 |
| Gossip, Shaming, and Isolating Others | Fracturing trust and isolating individuals by spreading rumors or repeating private matters beyond the circle of care | Proverbs 16:28 |
Three waves of church hurt
- 1st wave: The pain of unrepentant sin personally endured
- 2nd wave: The additional hurt of sin left unaddressed, where the sufferer is neglected or blamed
- 3rd wave: The loss of a once cherished community and spiritual home
Where church hurt grows
Pride without accountability
- Unchecked values, laws, preferences, and traditions
- Unwillingness to invite accountability for blind spots
- Unclear practices for addressing sin in leaders and members
- Unknown and disconnected membership
Experiencing the care of the Good Shepherd
1. Share the painful emotions you carry
Emotions are like dashboard lights. They reveal both what’s pressing in on us and what’s ruling our hearts. Don’t ignore them or obey them blindly. Let them lead you to slow down, seek help, and bring your heart honestly to the Lord.
| Painful emotion | Definition | Scripture example |
|---|---|---|
| Anger | An intense recognition of wrong and desire to make it right | Psalm 35:7–8 7For without cause they hid their net for me; without cause they dug a pit for my life. 8Let destruction come upon him when he does not know it! And let the net that he hid ensnare him; let him fall into it—to his destruction! ESV |
| Anxiety | A vigilant perception that danger is near, threatening what matters | Psalm 22:11 11Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help. ESV |
| Distress | An overwhelming mix of physical and spiritual fatigue | Psalm 77:4 4You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. ESV |
| Sad/Grieved | Pain over the loss of someone or something you treasure | Psalm 6:6 6I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. ESV |
| Wrongful Shame | Pain over wrongfully losing love and acceptance from community | Psalm 88:18 18You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness. ESV |
| Confusion | Disoriented and confounded, not able to understand. | Psalm 13:1–2 1How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? ESV |
2. Share the specific sins you suffered
| Sin suffered | Biblical witness | Biblical description of the hurt | Potential effects on the sufferer |
|---|---|---|---|
| Deceit / Dishonesty | Prov 12:22; Col 3:9 | Trust is violated through false words or hidden motives. | Confusion, loss of trust, relational guardedness, spiritual disorientation |
| Gossip / Slander | Prov 16:28; 2Cor 12:20 | Words fracture friendships and damage reputations | Shame, social isolation, anxiety in community, fear of vulnerability |
| Partiality / Favoritism | James 2:1-4 | People are valued based on status rather than shared identity in Christ | Feeling unseen, inferior, resentment, questioning belonging |
| Spiritual Pride | 3 John 9-10 | Leaders or members seek prominence and suppress others. | Powerlessness, intimidation, reluctance to use gifts. |
| Harsh / Crushing Leadership | Ezek 34:4; Matt 20:25-28 | Shepherds rule “with force and harshness” rather than Christlike care. | Fear of authority, spiritual insecurity, difficulty trusting future leaders |
| Public Shaming | Matt 18:15; Gal 6:1 | Sin or disagreement is exposed without gentleness or proper process. | Humiliation, lingering shame, withdrawal from fellowship |
| Mocking / Contempt | Prov 17:5; Gal 6:7 | A perceived weakness or shortcoming becomes a source of ridicule. | Deep shame, reluctance to share struggles |
3. Re-anchor your story to Christ
- Look at the text and meditate on Christ’s response to being wronged.
- Write down whatever is dear to you as you behold your precious Savior.
- Praise Christ for who he is and that we have fellowship with him in our suffering.
4. Rebuild community with wisdom
- Seek legal counsel if necessary
- Find wise, compassionate counseling
- Ease into church attendance
- Explore smaller settings carefully
- Have a plan for conversations about your past church experience
Care wisely for those who have been hurt
- Know your tendencies when it comes to hearing someone’s story of suffering
- Have a triage for probing suffering
- Anticipate conversations around reconciliation, boundaries, and leaving a church well
- Promote a culture of humility, honor, grace, and accountability